Richard Dawkins: The God of the Old Testament

(29 July 17: I originally posted this nearly nine years ago, soon after Richard Dawkins's wonderful speech. More recently, the Freedom From Religion Foundation created a new website based upon this speech and Dan Barker's book - God: the Most unpleasant Character in all Fiction. So I thought I'd repost this and update the list with additions from FFRF's site and Dan's Book.)

The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully.

The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it

How jealous and proud is he? Well, his name is Jealous. And he named himself!

For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God: Exodus 34:14

Here are some more verses where God brags about his jealousy.

I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation. Exodus 20:5

For the LORD thy God is a consuming fire, even a jealous God. Deuteronomy 4:24

I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation. Deuteronomy 5:9

(For the LORD thy God is a jealous God among you) lest the anger of the LORD thy God be kindled against thee, and destroy thee from off the face of the earth. Deuteronomy 6:15

The LORD will not spare him, but then the anger of the LORD and his jealousy shall smoke against that man, and all the curses that are written in this book shall lie upon him, and the LORD shall blot out his name from under heaven. Deuteronomy 29:20

They provoked him to jealousy with strange gods, with abominations provoked they him to anger. Deuteronomy 32:16

They have moved me to jealousy with that which is not God; they have provoked me to anger with their vanities: and I will move them to jealousy with those which are not a people; I will provoke them to anger with a foolish nation. Deuteronomy 32:21

He is a jealous God; he will not forgive your transgressions nor your sins. Joshua 24:19

And Judah did evil in the sight of the LORD, and they provoked him to jealousy with their sins. 1 Kings 14:22

And he put forth the form of an hand, and took me by a lock of mine head; and the spirit lifted me up between the earth and the heaven, and brought me in the visions of God to Jerusalem, to the door of the inner gate that looketh toward the north; where was the seat of the image of jealousy, which provoketh to jealousy. Ezekiel 8:3

Then said he unto me, Son of man, lift up thine eyes now the way toward the north. So I lifted up mine eyes the way toward the north, and behold northward at the gate of the altar this image of jealousy in the entry. Ezekiel 8:5

I will judge thee, as women that break wedlock and shed blood are judged; and I will give thee blood in fury and jealousy. Ezekiel 16:38

So will I make my fury toward thee to rest, and my jealousy shall depart from thee, and I will be quiet, and will be no more angry. Ezekiel 16:42

And I will set my jealousy against thee, and they shall deal furiously with thee: they shall take away thy nose and thine ears; and thy remnant shall fall by the sword: they shall take thy sons and thy daughters; and thy residue shall be devoured by the fire. Ezekiel 23:25

Surely in the fire of my jealousy have I spoken against the residue of the heathen. Ezekiel 36:5

For in my jealousy and in the fire of my wrath have I spoken, Surely in that day there shall be a great shaking in the land of Israel. Ezekiel 38:19

God is jealous, and the LORD revengeth; the LORD revengeth, and is furious; Nahum 1:2

Thus saith the LORD of hosts; I am jealous for Jerusalem and for Zion with a great jealousy. Zechariah 1:14

Thus saith the LORD of hosts; I was jealous for Zion with great jealousy, and I was jealous for her with great fury. Zechariah 8:2

All the earth shall be devoured with the fire of my jealousy. Zephaniah 3:8

a petty,

A golden bell and a pomegranate ... shall be upon Aaron to minister: and his sound shall be heard when he goeth in unto the holy place before the LORD, and when he cometh out, that he die not. Exodus 28:34-35

Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee. Leviticus 19:19

Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard. Leviticus 19:27

Thou shalt not sacrifice unto the LORD thy God any bullock, or sheep, wherein is blemish, or any evilfavouredness: for that is an abomination unto the LORD thy God. Deuteronomy 17:1

Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woollen and linen together. Deuteronomy 22:11

Thou shalt make thee fringes upon the four quarters of thy vesture, wherewith thou coverest thyself. Deuteronomy 22:12

He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD. Deuteronomy 23:1

A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation. Deuteronomy 23:2

Thou shalt have a paddle upon thy weapon; and it shall be, when thou wilt ease thyself abroad, thou shalt dig therewith, and shalt turn back and cover that which cometh from thee. For the LORD thy God walketh in the midst of thy camp. Deuteronomy 23:13-14

Behold, I am against your pillows. Ezekiel 13:20

unjust,

If thou refuse to let him go, behold, I will slay thy son, even thy firstborn. Exodus 4:23

The LORD slew all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both the firstborn of man, and the firstborn of beast. Exodus 13:15

I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation. Exodus 20:5

Prepare slaughter for his children for the iniquity of their fathers. Isaiah 14:21

(See here for a more complete list of Old Testament injustices.)

unforgiving

He is a jealous God; he will not forgive your transgressions nor your sins. Joshua 24:19

For the innocent blood that he shed: for he filled Jerusalem with innocent blood; which the LORD would not pardon. 2 Kings 24:4

Therefore pray not thou for this people, neither lift up a cry or prayer for them: for I will not hear them in the time that they cry unto me for their trouble. Jeremiah 11:14

When they fast, I will not hear their cry; and when they offer burnt offering and an oblation, I will not accept them: but I will consume them by the sword, and by the famine, and by the pestilence. Jeremiah 14:12

Therefore will I also deal in fury: mine eye shall not spare, neither will I have pity: and though they cry in mine ears with a loud voice, yet will I not hear them. Ezekiel 8:18

control-freak;

But it shall come to pass, if thou wilt not hearken unto the voice of the LORD thy God, to observe to do all his commandments and his statutes which I command thee this day; that all these curses shall come upon thee, and overtake thee: ... The LORD will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and with the emerods (hemorrhoids), and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst not be healed. The LORD shall smite thee with madness, and blindness, and astonishment of heart: ... Thou shalt betroth a wife, and another man shall lie with her: ... The LORD shall smite thee in the knees, and in the legs, with a sore botch that cannot be healed, from the sole of thy foot unto the top of thy head. ... And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters ... The tender and delicate woman among you, which would not adventure to set the sole of her foot upon the ground for delicateness and tenderness, her eye shall be evil toward the husband of her bosom, and toward her son, and toward her daughter, And toward her young one that cometh out from between her feet, and toward her children which she shall bear: for she shall eat them. Deuteronomy 28:15-68

For another 1647 examples see Every Jot and Tittle: All of the Commandments in the Bible

a vindictive,

I kill .. I wound ... I will render vengeance to mine enemies ... I will make mine arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. Deuteronomy 32:39-42

He will avenge the blood of his servants, and will render vengeance to his adversaries. Deuteronomy 32:43

To me belongeth vengeance and recompence ... for the day of their calamity is at hand. Deuteronomy 32:35

And when the people complained, it displeased the LORD: and the LORD heard it; and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them. Nunbers 11:1

Therefore thus saith the LORD of hosts, Behold, I will punish them: the young men shall die by the sword; their sons and their daughters shall die by famine: Jeremiah 11:22

For this is the day of the Lord GOD of hosts, a day of vengeance, that he may avenge him of his adversaries: and the sword shall devour, and it shall be satiate and made drunk with their blood. Jeremiah 46:10

And I will execute vengeance in anger and fury upon the heathen, such as they have not heard. Micah 5:15

bloodthirsty

And the priest shall dip his finger in some of the blood, and sprinkle it seven times before the LORD. Leviticus 4:17

And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26:29

I kill .. I wound ... I will make mine arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. Deuteronomy 32:39-42

But God shall wound the head of his enemies ... That thy foot may be dipped in the blood of thine enemies, and the tongue of thy dogs in the same. Psalm 68:21-23

For the indignation of the LORD is upon all nations, and his fury upon all their armies: he hath utterly destroyed them, he hath delivered them to the slaughter. Their slain also shall be cast out, and their stink shall come up out of their carcases, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood. Isaiah 34:2-3

For my sword shall be bathed in heaven. Isaiah 34:5

The sword of the LORD is filled with blood, ... their land shall be soaked with blood, ... For it is the day of the LORD's vengeance. Isaiah 34:7-8

And I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine. Isaiah 49:26

I will ... trample them in my fury; and their blood ... will stain all my raiment. Isaiah 63:2-6

And I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend. Jeremiah 19:9

For this is the day of the Lord GOD of hosts, a day of vengeance, that he may avenge him of his adversaries: and the sword shall devour, and it shall be satiate and made drunk with their blood. Jeremiah 46:10

Cursed be he that keepeth back his sword from blood. Jeremiah 48:10

Thus saith the Lord GOD; Speak unto every feathered fowl, and to every beast of the field, Assemble yourselves, and come; gather yourselves on every side to my sacrifice that I do sacrifice for you, even a great sacrifice upon the mountains of Israel, that ye may eat flesh, and drink blood. Ezekiel 39:17

Ye shall eat the flesh of the mighty, and drink the blood of the princes of the earth. Ezekiel 39:18

And ye shall eat fat till ye be full, and drink blood till ye be drunken, of my sacrifice which I have sacrificed for you. Ezekiel 39:19

And I will bring distress upon men, that they shall walk like blind men, because they have sinned against the LORD: and their blood shall be poured out as dust, and their flesh as the dung. Zephaniah 1:17 (See here for a more complete list of Old Testament cruelties.

ethnic cleanser;

Thou shalt surely smite the inhabitants of that city with the edge of the sword, destroying it utterly, and all that is therein, and the cattle thereof, with the edge of the sword. Deuteronomy 13:15

Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. 1 Samuel 15:2-3

a misogynistic,

Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, an do ye to them as is good in your eyes. Genesis 19:8

Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. 1 Samuel 18:27

And whosoever lieth carnally with a woman, that is a bondmaid, betrothed to an husband, and not at all redeemed, nor freedom given her; she shall be scourged. Leviticus 19:20

And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire. Leviticus 21:9

And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive? ... Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves. Nunbers 31:15-19

And when the LORD thy God hath delivered it into thine hands, thou shalt smite every male thereof with the edge of the sword: But the women ... shalt thou take unto thyself. Deuteronomy 20:13-14

And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her .... Thou shalt go in unto her. Deuteronomy 21:11-13

If a man have two wives, one beloved, and another hated .... Deuteronomy 21:15

If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her ... Deuteronomy 22:13

I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid. Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city. But if ... the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die. Deuteronomy 22:14-21

If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her; Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city. Deuteronomy 22:23-24

When two men strive together on with another, and the wife of the one ... putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her. Deuteronomy 25:11-12

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. 1 Samuel 18:27

Thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will raise up evil against thee out of thine own house, and I will take thy wives before thine eyes, and give them unto thy neighbour, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sight of this sun. 2 Samuel 12:11

And her daughters which are in the field shall be slain by the sword; and they shall know that I am the LORD Ezekiel 26:6

homophobic,

Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination. Leviticus 18:22

If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:13

racist,

One of the children of Israel came and brought unto his brethren a Midianitish woman in the sight of Moses ... And when Phinehas ... saw it, he rose up from among the congregation, and took a javelin in his hand; And he went after the man of Israel into the tent, and thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly. So the plague was stayed from the children of Israel. Numbers 25:6-8

The LORD thy God hath chosen thee to be a special people unto himself, above all people that are upon the face of the earth. Deuteronomy 7:6

An Ammonite or Moabite shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to their tenth generation shall they not enter into the congregation of the LORD for ever. Deuteronomy 23:3

infanticidal,

At midnight the LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sat on his throne unto the firstborn of the captive that was in the dungeon. Exodus 12:29

Ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it. Leviticus 26:16

I will also send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children. Leviticus 26:22

And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26:29

Because by this deed thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme, the child also that is born unto thee shall surely die. ... And the LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife bare unto David, and it was very sick... on the seventh day, that the child died. 2 Samuel 12:14-18

Therefore the fathers shall eat the sons in the midst of thee, and the sons shall eat their fathers. Ezekiel 5:10

And I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend. Jeremiah 19:9

genocidal,

Thou shalt surely smite the inhabitants of that city with the edge of the sword, destroying it utterly, and all that is therein, and the cattle thereof, with the edge of the sword. Deuteronomy 13:15

But of the cities of these people, which the LORD thy God doth give thee for an inheritance, thou shalt save alive nothing that breatheth. Deuteronomy 20:16-17

So smote all the country ... he left none remaining, but utterly destroyed all that breathed, as the LORD God of Israel commanded. Joshua 10:40

Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. 1 Samuel 15:2-3

filicidal,

And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and ... offer him there for a burnt offering. Genesis 22:2

For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death. Leviticus 20:9

And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire. Leviticus 21:9

If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods ... hou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people. Deuteronomy 13:6-10

Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones. Psalm 137:9

pestilential,

And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague. Nunbers 11:33

And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died. Nunbers 21:6

The hand of the LORD was against the city ... and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts. 1 Samuel 5:9

So Gad came to David, and told him, and said unto him, Shall seven years of famine come unto thee in thy land? or wilt thou flee three months before thine enemies, while they pursue thee? or that there be three days' pestilence in thy land? ... So the LORD sent a pestilence upon Israel ... and there died of the people ... seventy thousand men. 2 Samuel 24:13

So will I send upon you famine and evil beasts, and they shall bereave thee: and pestilence and blood shall pass through thee; and I will bring the sword upon thee. I the LORD have spoken it. Ezekiel 5:17

megalomaniacal,

Then the earth shook and trembled; the foundations of heaven moved and shook, because he was wroth. There went up a smoke out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth devoured: coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down; and darkness was under his feet. And he rode upon a cherub, and did fly. 2 Samuel 22:8-11

Thus will I magnify myself, and sanctify myself; and I will be known in the eyes of many nations, and they shall know that I am the LORD. Ezekiel 38:23

sadomasochistic,

Thou shalt even drink it and suck it out, and thou shalt break the sherds thereof, and pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord GOD. Ezekiel 23:34

capriciously malevolent

Slay utterly old and young, both maids, and little children, and women: but come not near any man upon whom is the mark ... fill the courts with the slain: go ye forth. And they went forth, and slew in the city. Ezekiel 9:4-7

Therefore will I also deal in fury: mine eye shall not spare, neither will I have pity: and though they cry in mine ears with a loud voice, yet will I not hear them. Ezekiel 8:18

And the cities that are inhabited shall be laid waste, and the land shall be desolate; and ye shall know that I am the LORD. Ezekiel 12:20

bully.

And I will appoint over them four kinds, saith the LORD: the sword to slay, and the dogs to tear, and the fowls of the heaven, and the beasts of the earth, to devour and destroy. Jeremiah 15:3

And I will call for a sword against him throughout all my mountains, saith the Lord GOD: every man's sword shall be against his brother. And I will plead against him with pestilence and with blood; and I will rain upon him, and upon his bands, and upon the many people that are with him, an overflowing rain, and great hailstones, fire, and brimstone. Thus will I magnify myself, and sanctify myself; and I will be known in the eyes of many nations, and they shall know that I am the LORD. Ezekiel 38:21-23

The Spirit of God came upon him and he stripped off all his clothes

Sometimes, to really get God’s attention, a prophet just has to get naked. At least that’s the way it worked for Saul.

The story begins with Saul being plagued by an evil spirit from God.

And the evil spirit from the LORD was upon Saul. 1 Samuel 19:9

Then Saul tries to kill David, but David’s wife, Michal, helped him escape.

So Saul sent messengers to find David, but they found Samuel and a group of prophesying prophets instead.

And Saul sent messengers to take David: and when they saw the company of the prophets prophesying, and Samuel standing as appointed over them. 19:20a

When the messengers saw everyone prophesying, the Spirit of God came upon them and  they started prophesying too.

The Spirit of God was upon the messengers of Saul, and they also prophesied. 19:20b

When Saul found out that his messengers were prophesying, he sent more messengers--and when they got to the prophesying party, they started “prophesying likewise.”

When it was told Saul, he sent other messengers, and they prophesied likewise. 19:21a

And when Saul heard that his second set of messengers were prophesying, he sent a third group of messengers and “they prophesied also.”

And Saul sent messengers again the third time, and they prophesied also.19:21b

After sending the three groups of messengers who all began prophesying, Saul decided to go there himself. As soon as he arrived, the Spirit of God came upon Saul also, and he began prophesying.

And he [Saul] went thither to Naioth in Ramah: and the Spirit of God was upon him also, and he went on, and prophesied. 19:23

And not only did Saul prophesy, but he stripped off all of his clothes “also.” Apparently when the Spirit of the Lord comes upon you and you start prophesying, you’ve got to take off all your clothes. God likes to see what he’s dealing with.

And he stripped off his clothes also. 19:24a

Saul was naked in front of God and everybody all day and all night.

And lay down naked all that day and all that night. 19:24b

That’s why they say, “Is Saul also among the prophets?”

Wherefore they say, Is Saul also among the prophets? 19:20-24c

I know that’s why I always say it.

But how come nobody prophesies naked anymore?

Biblical Halloween Costumes: It's time to take it back from the pagans!

Here are some costume ideas from the Bible. (Re-post for Halloween.)

1. God's Clever Talking Serpent

   Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said ....Genesis 3:1-5

   
   
   
2. Lot and his daughters

   Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him ... Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father. Genesis 19:30-38

   This is pretty simple. And old guy, two young women, and a jug of wine (Clothing optional).
   
   
   
3. An abominable, four-legged, flying creeping thing.

   But all other flying creeping things, which have four feet, shall be an abomination unto you. Leviticus 11:23

   
   
   
4. Fiery Serpent

   And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died. Numbers 21:6

   
   
   
5. Talking Donkey

   And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam .... Numbers 22:28-30

   
   
   
6. An Evil Spirit from the Lord. (Judges 9:23; 1 Samuel 16:14-16, 16:23, 18:10, 19:9)

   The evil spirit from God came upon Saul, and he prophesied. 18:10

   All evil spirits come from God, but I don't know what they look like. Maybe something like this.
   
   
   
7. Jael

   And Jael went out to meet Sisera, and said unto him, Turn in, my lord, turn in to me; fear not. ... And she opened a bottle of milk, and gave him drink, and covered him. ... Then Jael Heber's wife took a nail of the tent, and took an hammer in her hand, and went softly unto him, and smote the nail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground. Judges 4:18-21

   Costume: Woman with hammer, tent stake, blanket, and cup of milk.
   
   
   
8. Samson with the jawbone of an ass
   (Just try to keep the spirit of the Lord from coming upon you!)

   The spirit of the Lord came mightily upon Samson and he found a new jawbone of an ass ... and took it, and slew 1000 men therewith. Judges 15:14-15

   
   
   
9. Jesus
   
   Forget all the stuff you've seen on TV. Jesus doesn't look like that anymore. To see what he looks like now you need to go to the Book of Revelation.
   

   ...the Son of man, clothed with a garment down to the foot, and girt about the paps with a golden girdle. His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire; His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire; And his feet like unto fine brass, ... And he had in his right hand seven stars: and out of his mouth went a sharp twoedged sword. Revelation 1:13-16

   Costume: Long white robe, golden girdle, white face and hair, red eyes, brass feet, seven stars in hand, sword sticking out of mouth.
   
   And here's what he will look like when he gets into his planned mass killings at the end of the world.
   

   Behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war. His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself. And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God. ... And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations. Revelation 19:11-15

   Costume: a bunch of crowns on your head, sword sticking out of your mouth, clothing dipped in blood
   
   There is one other possible Jesus costume, but it may be illegal in some places. You see Jesus had a special tattoo on his thigh (which is a biblical euphemism for testicles): "King of Kings" one on side and "Lord of Lord" on the other.
   

   And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS. Revelation 19:15

   Costume: Tattooed thigh or scrotum
   
   
   
10. Anything from the Book of Revelation
    (Just pick a verse pretty much anywhere, but the Whore of Babylon is always fun!)
    

Eugene's Bible: Did the Bible inspire the naked face-chewing cannibal?

Rudy Eugene is a firm believer in the Bible.

He attended a Bible study just two days before the face-chewing episode, he was called "the preacher" by his friends, and his mother said that he never left home without his Bible. And he had it with him at the time of the attack. It was, in fact, the only thing he had, as he was otherwise completely naked. 

So it seems reasonable to ask: was there something in the Bible that inspired the attack?

Of course it's hard to say, but there is plenty in the Bible that might encourage similar behavior. 

Take his nakedness, for example. God seems to like his prophets to run around naked. Here are God's instructions to Isaiah.

At the same time spake the LORD ... saying, Go and loose the sackcloth from off thy loins, and put off thy shoe from thy foot. And he did so, walking naked and barefoot.  And the LORD said, Like as my servant Isaiah hath walked naked and barefoot three years for a sign and wonder. Isaiah 20:2-3

God told Isaiah to walk around naked for three years as a sign and and wonder. Maybe Eugene was just trying to do likewise.

And here is what Saul did when the spirit of the Lord came upon him:

Saul ... went thither to Naioth in Ramah: and the Spirit of God was upon him also, and he went on, and prophesied ... And he stripped off his clothes also, and prophesied before Samuel in like manner, and lay down naked all that day and all that night. Wherefore they say, Is Saul also among the prophets? 1 Samuel 19:21-24

The spirit of the Lord came upon Saul and he "lay down naked" all day and night. Maybe the spirit of the Lord came upon Eugene, too.

And then there's this from Micah:

Therefore I will wail and howl, I will go stripped and naked: I will make a wailing like the dragons, and mourning as the owls ... roll thyself in the dust ... having thy shame naked. Micah 1:8-11

I don't know if Rudy Eugene wailed like a dragon, but I'm pretty sure he had his shame naked.

But what about the face-eating behavior? There's nothing in the Good Book that could inspire activity like that, is there?

Well, how about these passages?

And I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend. Jeremiah 19:9

Therefore the fathers shall eat the sons in the midst of thee, and the sons shall eat their fathers. Ezekiel 5:10

I will not feed you: that that dieth, let it die; and that that is to be cut off, let it be cut off; and let the rest eat every one the flesh of another. Zechariah 11:9

Who pluck off their skin from off them, and their flesh from off their bones; Who also eat the flesh of my people, and flay their skin from off them; and they break their bones, and chop them in pieces, as for the pot, and as flesh within the caldron. Micah 3:2-3

There's plenty there for a naked, face-eating, bible-believing cannibal to choose from.

Perhaps Eugene thought that Ronald Poppo was his long-lost father or friend  that God wanted him to eat, in accordance with Ezekiel 5:10 or Jeremiah 19:9 .  Or maybe that Poppo was just "another" whom God commanded him to eat in Zechariah 11:9. Or that Poppo was one of God's people and, therefore, it was Eugene's job to eat him, as prophesied in Micah 3:2-3.

It's hard to know what God had in mind when he inspired these verses. But I suspect that Rudy Eugene might have a good idea. He and God seem to think pretty much alike.

Michele Bachmann's favorite Bible story: Jonathan and his gay companion slaughter the entire Philistine army

No, not that gay companion, silly. Not David. Jonathan's other gay companion.

Here's Ms. Bachmann's version of the story. (It starts at 4:30.)

And here's what really happened according to the Bible (1 Samuel 14:1-14).
(As always, be sure to read the Brick Testament story.)

One day Jonathan and his armor bearer decided to go find some uncircumcised guys to kill. Who knows? Maybe God would help them.

Jonathan said to the young man that bare his armour, Come, and let us go over unto the garrison of these uncircumcised: it may be that the LORD will work for us. 1 Samuel 14:6

Jonathan's amorous armor bearer said to him, "Do whatever is in your heart. Whatever is in your heart is in my heart, too." (They had a very close, intimate relationship.)

So Jonathan told him his plan. They will go over to the Philistines and if they say, "Wait there and we'll come over to you," then Jonathan and his armor bearer will stay put. But if the Philistines say, "Come up to us, and we will show you something," then they will attack, knowing that God will help kill them.

Then said Jonathan, Behold, we will pass over unto these men, and we will discover ourselves unto them. If they say thus unto us, Tarry until we come to you; then we will stand still in our place, and will not go up unto them. But if they say thus, Come up unto us; then we will go up: for the LORD hath delivered them into our hand: and this shall be a sign unto us. 1 Samuel 14:8-10

So they did that. And when the Philistines saw them, they said, "Look the Hebrews have crawled out of the holes they were hiding in."

And both of them discovered themselves unto the garrison of the Philistines: and the Philistines said, Behold, the Hebrews come forth out of the holes where they had hid themselves. 1 Samuel 14:11

And then the Philistines said the magic words of doom, "Come on up and we'll show you a thing or two."

And the men of the garrison answered Jonathan and his armourbearer, and said, Come up to us, and we will shew you a thing. 1 Samuel 14:12a

When Jonathan heard that, he told his partner that God would help them kill the Philistines.

And Jonathan said unto his armourbearer, Come up after me: for the LORD hath delivered them into the hand of Israel. 1 Samuel 14:12b

So they crawled out of their hole and began to kill Philistines.

And Jonathan climbed up upon his hands and upon his feet, and his armourbearer after him: and they fell before Jonathan; and his armourbearer slew after him. 1 Samuel 14:12

They killed about 20 of them, all in an area of half an acre or so. Which is not too bad for a very first slaughter.

And that first slaughter, which Jonathan and his armourbearer made, was about twenty men, within as it were an half acre of land, which a yoke of oxen might plow. 1 Samuel 14:14

But it is quite different from Ms. Bachmann's story. In her version, Jonathan and his friend kill the entire Philistine army, not just 20 guys in a half-acre.

Here's what she says (6:30 in the video).

And what was amazing is that Jonathan and his compatriot soldier took the entire army down. ... That's what God is looking for today.

But she was sort of right. After the 1/2 acre slaughter, God sent an earthquake and then he forced the Philistines to kill each other.

And there was trembling ... and the earth quaked: so it was a very great trembling. ... The multitude melted away, and they went on beating down one another ... Every man's sword was against his fellow. 1 Samuel 14:15-20

I guess the point is the same, though. God wants us to kill uncircumcised people (Muslims, Catholics, Democrats, old people, the poor, etc.). He will do it himself if he has to, but he'd like our help. Otherwise he'll have to send earthquakes and hurricanes and then force us all to kill each other. And you wouldn't want that to happen, would you?

What the Bible says about the Republican Primary

It should be easy for Republicans to select a candidate for president.

Just let God do it for them.

The only problem with that is this: God has already endorsed several, if not all, of the candidates.

Fortunately, the Bible has a foolproof procedure guaranteed to work even when God can't make up his own mind. It's called a lottery.

That's how God selected the first king of Israel. Here's how it worked.

God told the people to present themselves to him by tribe and clan ("thousands").

Samuel called the people together unto the LORD ... And said unto the children of Israel, Thus saith the LORD ... present yourselves before the LORD by your tribes, and by your thousands. 1 Samuel 10:17-19

Then a tribe was selected by lot. (Benjamin had the lucky number.)

And when Samuel had caused all the tribes of Israel to come near, the tribe of Benjamin was taken. 1 Samuel 10:20

Next, a clan was selected. (Matri)

When he had caused the tribe of Benjamin to come near by their families, the family of Matri was taken. 1 Samuel 10:21a

And the king was selected from the clan. (Saul)

And Saul the son of Kish was taken. 1 Samuel 10:21b

But Shucks! When they looked, they couldn't find him.

When they sought him, he could not be found. 1 Samuel 10:21c

So they asked God what to do and God said that Saul was hiding in the stuff.

Therefore they enquired of the LORD further, if the man should yet come thither. And the LORD answered, Behold he hath hid himself among the stuff. 1 Samuel 10:22

And sure enough, they found Saul hiding in the stuff. He was hard to miss since he stood head and shoulders above everyone in Israel. (He was also the best-looking.)

And they ran and fetched him thence: and when he stood among the people, he was higher than any of the people from his shoulders and upward. 1 Samuel 10:23

It all worked out great in the end. God chose the best (tallest, best-looking) candidate and all the people shouted, "God save the king."

And Samuel said to all the people, See ye him whom the LORD hath chosen, that there is none like him among all the people? And all the people shouted, and said, God save the king. 1 Samuel 10:24

Well, except for a few "children of Belial" (RINOs) who complained about it a bit.

But the children of Belial said, How shall this man save us? And they despised him. 1 Samuel 10:27

So there you have it. No need for expensive campaigns, debates, caucuses, straw polls, primaries, or nominating conventions. God's party should select its candidate God's way: by lottery. (Either that or just choose the tallest, best looking candidate. It should work out the same.)

(By the way, this isn't the only time a lottery was used in the Bible to select an important candidate. Matthias was selected by lottery to replace Judas, who died by spilling his guts out and hanging himself.)

The good people in the Bible

A while back, I said that Vashti was the best person in the Bible. And while I still think she's a good choice for that award, I'd like to consider all possible candidates. Here is my attempt to do that. Let me know if I've left out any of your favorite Bible characters.

1. The Talking Serpent

   OK, so maybe he wasn't human, but he was the wisest and most honest character in Genesis. Here's his conversation with Eve.

   Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?

   And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden:

   But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.

   And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:

   For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil. Genesis 3:1-5

   And the serpent was correct, according to the Bible anyway. When Eve and Adam ate from the tree of knowledge, they didn't die^*, and their eyes were opened to know good and evil.

   
   

2. Eve

   The Bible doesn't say much about Eve. There is only one conversation recorded and that is with a talking serpent. But in it she shows a courageous love of goodness, beauty, and truth.

   When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat. Genesis 3:6

3. Hagar

   At Sarah and God's insistence, Abraham sent Hagar and their son Ishmael into the desert. When Ishmael was about to die, Hagar left him under a bush and cried because she couldn't bear to see him die.

   And the water was spent in the bottle, and she cast the child under one of the shrubs. And she went, and sat her down over against him a good way off, as it were a bow shot: for she said, Let me not see the death of the child. And she sat over against him, and lift up her voice, and wept. Genesis 21:15-16

4. Zipporah

   Zipporah saved Moses from being killed by God by cutting off the foreskin of their son with a sharp stone. I don't know how she knew what had upset Moses' psychopathic god, but she figured it out quickly and did what had to be done. Then she threw the bloody foreskin at Moses' feet saying, "a bloody husband you are to me."

   It came to pass ... that the LORD met him, and sought to kill him.

   Then Zipporah took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me. Exodus 4:24-25

5. The ten honest scouts

   Moses sent out twelve scouts to check out the land of Canaan. When they returned, one of the scouts (Caleb and maybe Joshua) told Moses that it would be easy to invade and conquer the people of Canaan. But ten other scouts disagreed.

   The land, through which we have gone to search it, is a land that eateth up the inhabitants thereof; and all the people that we saw in it are men of a great stature.

   And there we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, which come of the giants: and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight. Numbers 13:32-33

   So God, who only likes good news, killed them for their honest report.

   Those men that did bring up the evil report upon the land, died by the plague before the LORD. Numbers 14:37

6. Korah and his companions

   Moses and Aaron had absolute authority over the Israelites -- until it was challenged by Korah and his companions. Here's what they said to Moses.

   Ye take too much upon you, seeing all the congregation are holy, every one of them, and the LORD is among them: wherefore then lift ye up yourselves above the congregation of the LORD? Numbers 16:3

   So God and Moses arranged a test. If Korah and his companions die a natural death, then God didn't send Moses. But if Korah and his friends (and their families) are buried alive, then God is Moses' special friend.

   And Moses said, Hereby ye shall know that the LORD hath sent me.
   ...
   If these men die the common death of all men ... then the LORD hath not sent me.

   But if the LORD make a new thing, and the earth open her mouth, and swallow them up, with all that appertain unto them, and they go down quick into the pit; then ye shall understand that these men have provoked the LORD. Numbers 16:28-30

   The test proved that Moses is God's special friend (since the other guys were buried alive).

   But if the LORD make a new thing, and the earth open her mouth, and swallow them up, with all that appertain unto them, and they go down quick into the pit; then ye shall understand that these men have provoked the LORD.

   And it came to pass, as he had made an end of speaking all these words, that the ground clave asunder that was under them:

   And the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up, and their houses, and all the men that appertained unto Korah, and all their goods.

   They, and all that appertained to them, went down alive into the pit, and the earth closed upon them: and they perished from among the congregation. Numbers 16:28-33

7. The people who complained about God's killings

   During the Exodus, God burned and buried people alive, had people stoned to death, and killed tens of thousands in plagues. So, as you might expect, the people were pretty freaked out about it. Here's what they said:

   All the congregation of the children of Israel murmured against Moses and against Aaron, saying, Ye have killed the people of the LORD. Numbers 16:41

   So God sent a plague and killed another 14,700.

   And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

   Get you up from among this congregation, that I may consume them as in a moment. ...

   Behold, the plague was begun among the people. ...

   Now they that died in the plague were fourteen thousand and seven hundred. Numbers 16:44-49

   
   

8. The couple murdered by Phinehas

   The Israelites pissed off God by having sex with Moabite women.

   the people began to commit whoredom with the daughters of Moab. Numbers 25:1

   So God sent a plague to kill them all. Then Phinehas saw an Israelite man and a Moabite woman,

   One of the children of Israel came and brought unto his brethren a Midianitish woman. Numbers 25:6

   and impaled them with a spear through their bellies.

   When Phinehas, the son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron the priest, saw it, he rose up from among the congregation, and took a javelin in his hand ... and thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly. Numbers 25:7-8

   God was so pleased by Phinehas' double murder that he stopped killing people with the plague, after only 24,000 died. (Well, 23,000 if you believe Paul.)

   So the plague was stayed from the children of Israel. nd those that died in the plague were twenty and four thousand. Numbers 25:8-9

9. The daughters of Zelophehad

   Then came the daughters of Zelophehad ... Mahlah, Noah, and Hoglah, and Milcah, and Tirzah.

   And they stood before Moses, and before Eleazar the priest, and before the princes and all the congregation, by the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, saying,

   Our father died in the wilderness ... and had no sons.

   Why should the name of our father be done away from among his family, because he hath no son? Give unto us therefore a possession among the brethren of our father.

   And Moses brought their cause before the LORD.

   And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

   The daughters of Zelophehad speak right: thou shalt surely give them a possession of an inheritance among their father's brethren; and thou shalt cause the inheritance of their father to pass unto them. Numbers 27:1-7

10. The peaceful unsuspecting people of Laish

    The children of Dan ... came unto Laish, unto a people that were at quiet and secure: and they smote them with the edge of the sword, and burnt the city with fire. Judges 18:26-27

11. Nabal

    When David was fighting with Saul, he hung out "in the wilderness" with a gang of outlaws. While there, he heard about a rich man named Nabal and sent some of his "young men" to pay him a visit. So they went and introduced themselves to Nabal and told him to give them whatever he owned.

    David sent out ten young men, and David said unto the young men, Get you up to Carmel, and go to Nabal, and greet him in my name. ...

    Give, I pray thee, whatsoever cometh to thine hand unto thy servants, and to thy son David. 1 Samuel 25:5-8

    But Nabal was on to David's protection racket. He refused to give his belongings to people he didn't even know just to get them to go away and leave him alone.

    And Nabal answered David's servants, and said, Who is David? ...

    Shall I then take my bread, and my water, and my flesh that I have killed for my shearers, and give it unto men, whom I know not whence they be? 1 Samuel 25:10-11

    When David heard about it, he swore to kill Nabal and all his men (everyone "that pisseth against the wall").

    So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall. 1 Samuel 25:22

    But, as it turns out, God beat him to it and killed Nabal for David,

    And it came to pass about ten days after, that the LORD smote Nabal, that he died. 1 Samuel 25:38

    and gave David his wife and other stuff.

    When David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, Blessed be the LORD .... And David sent and communed with Abigail, to take her to him to wife. 1 Samuel 25:39

12. Phaltiel

    After Michal helped David escape from her father Saul, Saul gave her away to another man named Phalti.

    Saul had given Michal his daughter, David's wife, to Phalti.

    But later, after he had collected a half dozen or more wives, David demanded Michal back. (Heck, he paid 200 foreskins for her!)

    And David sent messengers to Ishbosheth Saul's son, saying, Deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for an hundred foreskins of the Philistines. 2 Samuel 3:14

    Poor Phatiel must have loved her dearly since he "went along weeping behind her."

    And Ishbosheth sent, and took her from her husband, even from Phaltiel the son of Laish. And her husband went with her along weeping behind her. 2 Samuel 3:15

13. Uzzah

    When the ark was being transported to Jerusalem, Uzzah, one of the drivers of the cart, reached out his hand to steady the ark to keep it from falling. God thanked him in his usual way: he killed him.

    And they set the ark of God upon a new cart, and brought it out of the house of Abinadab that was in Gibeah: and Uzzah and Ahio, the sons of Abinadab, drave the new cart. ...

    And when they came to Nachon's threshingfloor , Uzzah put forth his hand to the ark of God, and took hold of it; for the oxen shook it.

    And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Uzzah; and God smote him there for his error; and there he died by the ark of God. 2 Samuel 6:3-7

14. Michal

    David bought his first wife with 200 Philistine foreskins. She was the daughter of Saul and her name was Michal. She rescued David from her father by lowering him on a rope through the window (1 Samuel 19:11-17), which was both brave and clever. But what impresses me even more was the way she criticized David for dancing nearly naked in front of God and everybody.

    David danced before the LORD with all his might; and David was girded with a linen ephod. ...

    Michal ... said, How glorious was the king of Israel to day, who uncovered himself to day in the eyes of the handmaids of his servants, as one of the vain fellows shamelessly uncovereth himself! 2 Samuel 6:14-20

    Of course God doesn't like it when anyone criticizes David. So he made her die childless. (But not really.)

    Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no child unto the day of her death. 2 Samuel 6:23

15. Rizpah

    To appease God and end a famine that was caused by his predecessor (Saul), David agrees to have two of Saul's sons and five of his grandsons killed and hung up "unto the Lord."

    There was a famine in the days of David three years, year after year; and David enquired of the LORD. And the LORD answered, It is for Saul, and for his bloody house, because he slew the Gibeonites. ...

    Wherefore David said unto the Gibeonites, What shall I do for you? and wherewith shall I make the atonement. ...

    And they answered the king ... Let seven men of his sons be delivered unto us, and we will hang them up unto the LORD. 2 Samuel 21:1-6

    So David rounded up and delivered two sons of Rizpah, Saul's concubine, and five sons of his daughter Michal, and they hung them up before the Lord.

    The king took the two sons of Rizpah ... whom she bare unto Saul ... and the five sons of Michal ... And he delivered them into the hands of the Gibeonites, and they hanged them in the hill before the LORD: and they fell all seven together, and were put to death. 2 Samuel 21:8-9

    Rizpah stayed with her dead sons, chasing the birds away in the daytime and animals away at night.

    And Rizpah the daughter of Aiah took sackcloth, and spread it for her upon the rock, from the beginning of harvest until water dropped upon them out of heaven, and suffered neither the birds of the air to rest on them by day, nor the beasts of the field by night. 2 Samuel 21:10

    And God stopped the famine after Saul's two sons and five grandsons were killed and hung up for him.

    They gathered the bones of them that were hanged ... And after that God was intreated for the land 2 Samuel 21:13-14

16. Jeroboam's wife

    Jeroboam's wife (the Bible doesn't bother giving her a name) was worried about her sick son. So she went to see the blind prophet Ahijah to see if he could help.

    Jeroboam's wife ... arose, and went to Shiloh, and came to the house of Ahijah. 1 Kings 14:4

    When she arrived, Ahijah had a message from God regarding her son.

    Bhold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall, and him that is shut up and left in Israel, and will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as a man taketh away dung, till it be all gone. 1 Kings 14:10

    Which wasn't particularly good news to Jeroboam's wife, since her sick son had pissed on a few walls here and there.

    But it got worse as the prophet elaborated a bit.

    Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat: for the LORD hath spoken it. 1 Kings 14:11

    So God was going to kill all of the male descendants of Jeroboam, strew their dead bodies on the ground like dung, and use them for dog and bird food.

    Oh and her son? He would be dead by the time she got home.

    Arise thou therefore, get thee to thine own house: and when thy feet enter into the city, the child shall die. 1 Kings 14:12

    After hearing the words of God from his prophet Ahijah, Jeroboam's wife returned home. And, sure enough, God killed her sick little boy the moment she entered his room.

    And Jeroboam's wife arose, and departed, and came to Tirzah: and when she came to the threshold of the door, the child died; 1 Kings 14:17

17. Vashti: The best person in the Bible?

    Vashti refused to entertain the king's drunken guests.

    The king made a feast ... seven days, in the court of the garden of the king's palace ... And they gave them drink in vessels of gold ... and royal wine in abundance.

    On the seventh day, when the heart of the king was merry with wine, he commanded ... Vashti the queen ... with the crown royal, to shew the people and the princes her beauty: for she was fair to look on.

    But the queen Vashti refused. Esther 1:5-12

18. Job's wife

    In the book of Job, God and Satan play a cruel gambling game with the lives of Job and his family. Satan bets that Job will curse God to his face if Job's life is made unpleasant enough. So God (or Satan, it's hard to tell them apart) kills Job's family and sends various torments upon him.

    Job's wife rightly says that if Job is to keep his integrity, he should curse God (for playing vicious games with Satan) and die. She is the only voice of reason in the book of Job.

    Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die. Job 2:9

---

* God told Adam that he would die the day that he ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Yet he and Eve ate from that tree and lived another 930 years. (In the case of Adam, anyway. The Bible doesn't say how long Eve lived.)

The Morality of David: How to do what is right in the eyes of the Lord

If believers want to know what God thinks is right, they should look at the life of David. He is the gold standard of biblical morality.

How do we know that that? Because it says so in the Bible.

Everything David did "was right in the eyes of the Lord," except for one thing: "the matter of Uriah."

David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD, and turned not aside from any thing that he commanded him all the days of his life, save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite. 1 Kings 15.5

So as long as we stay away from the Uriah affair, we can be absolutely certain that we are doing right in the eyes of the Lord whenever we follow David.

And since there are so many stories about David in the Bible, we can derive an infallible, Bible-based morality from them. That is what God wants us to do. That's why he put those stories in the Bible.

So let's get started.

Here are some of the things that we know are "right in the eyes of the Lord."

1. It's OK to kill people.

   As long as your killing is similar to one of David's, you can be sure that it's perfectly moral and that God will bless it.

   But before you start, check the context of David's killings to make sure that yours is OK with God.

   Here is a list of 22 killings that David either performed himself or had other people do for him. God approved of every one of them. He even helped out on many. It should be easy to find one to serve as a model for the killing that you have in mind.

   David or Elhanan killed Goliath	1Sam 17.51, 2Sam 21.19
   David killed 200 Philistines for their foreskins (to buy his first wife)	1Sam 18.27
   David slew the Philistines with a great slaughter	1Sam 19.8
   The Lord said to David, Go and smite the Philistines	1Sam 23:2-5
   David committed genocides for the Philistines	1Sam 27.8-11
   David spends the day killing Amalekites	1Sam 30:17
   David killed the messenger	2Sam 1.15
   David killed Rechab and Baanah, cut off their hands and feet, and hung their dead bodies over the pool	2Sam 4.12
   God helps David smite Philistines from the front and the rear	2Sam 5:19-25
   David killed 2/3 Moabite POWs and enslaved the rest	2Sam 8.2
   David killed 22,000 Syrians	2Sam 8.5
   David killed 18,000 Edomites in the Valley of Salt	2Sam 8.13, 1Kg 11.15-16, 1Chr 18.12
   David killed 47,000 Syrians	2Sam 10.18, 1Chr 19.18
   David's massacre of the Ammonites	2Sam 11.1, 1Chr 20.1
   David's army killed 20,000 Israelites	2Sam 18.7
   Adino killed 800 at one time with a spear	2Sam 23.8
   Eleazar the son of Dodo smote the Philistines with a great slaughter	2Sam 23.9-10, 1Chr 11.12-14
   Shammah slew the Philistines	2Sam 23.12
   Abishai killed 300 with his spear	2Sam 23.18
   Benaiah slew two lion-like men of Moah and a giant Egyptian	2Sam 23.20-21, 1Chr 11.22-23
   Solomon carries out the deathbed wish of his father David by having Joab murdered	1Kg 2.29-34
   Solomn has Shimei murdered (another of David's death bed wishes)	1Kg 2.44-46

2. It's OK to decapitate people after you kill them. (1 Samuel 17.51)

3. You can kill Philistines and Amalekites pretty much whenever you see them. Still, it's a good idea to ask God first. (1Sam 18.27, 19.8, 23:2-5, 30:17; 2Sam 5:19-25, 23.9-10, 23.12)

4. Moabites, Syrians, Edomites, Ammonites, and Egyptians are generally OK to kill, too. But some restrictions may apply. See your Bible for context, just to be sure. (2Sam 8.2, 8.5, 8.13, 10.18, 11.1)

5. It's OK to kill up to 200 men for their foreskins to pay for a wife. (1Sam 18.27)

6. You can have as many wives as you like. No one knows how many David had; no one needs to know how many you have either. (It's nobody's business but God's, and he approves of that sort of thing.) (1 Samuel 18:25-27, 25:39, 25:41-44, 2 Samuel 3:2-5, 5:13, 12:7-8)

7. Genocide is OK, at least when you are doing it for the Philistines. (1 Samuel 27:8-11)

8. It's OK to lie, if it will help you out of a difficult situation. (1 Samuel 21:2-8)

9. Cut off the hands and feet of executed people and hang their dead, mutilated bodies up for everyone to see. They make nice decorations. (2 Samuel 4:12)

10. Encourage others to kill people with disabilities -- like "the lame and the blind that are hated of David's soul." (2 Samuel 5:8)

11. A good rule to follow with prisoners of war is this: kill two-thirds of them and enslave the rest. (2 Samuel 8:2-3)

12. If your concubines have sex with your son in front of God and everybody (because God is punishing you for your adultery), just refuse to have any more sex with them and force them to "keep house" for you for the rest of their lives. (2 Samuel 20:3)

13. If God sends a famine, you might try killing the sons and grandsons of your predecessor and then hang their dead bodies up to God so that he will stop starving people to death. It worked for David. It should work for you too. (2 Samuel 21:1-9)

14. When you are old man and can't get any more heat, look around for a young virgin to "lie in your bosom" and "minister" to you so you can get your heat back. (1 Kings 1:1-4)

15. And when you are dying, be sure to ask your son to murder any enemies that you didn't get a chance to kill. No enemies left behind. That was David's rule; it should be yours, too. (1 Kings 2:1-9)

See how easy that was? It makes you feel sorry for all those atheists who have to actually think about what is right and wrong, doesn't it?